Two nights ago I had a dream that was so vivid I was able to record it the following morning. In the dream I was in a swimming pool talking to an unknown woman standing on the side of the pool about her two children. I gave her advice about her eldest child and she walked away satisfied. After she left I realized she didn’t have her baby with her. I looked under the water and saw that the baby was at the bottom of the pool. I couldn’t tell if she was still alive or not and I couldn’t seem to reach her no matter how hard I tried. I remember the feeling in the dream being one of helplessness and resentment that the baby’s mother was nowhere to be found and I was being left to save the baby.
I did some writing in my journal about the dream and noted the different components: the pool, the unknown woman, the baby, myself, and the accompanying feelings. I am more of a Jungian when it comes to dream interpretation which means that most elements of dreams represent aspects of ourselves.
Water is a common symbol for the unconscious mind. Where was the baby? It was way at the bottom of the pool and I couldn’t get to it no matter how much I tried. I have been doing a good deal of work surrounding re-parenting myself and listening to the inner voice (or inner child as wuwu as I know that sounds) and I have to say it has been much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be.
As someone who has always lived primarily in my mind, it is slowly dawning on me that there are just some things that cannot be accessed with our brains. I cannot heal myself by way of the mind, i.e. I cannot save the baby through my thoughts. Wrestling with frustration over whose responsibility the baby is won’t help. At some point I have to let intuition take the lead and show the way.
I have always thought of myself as an intuitive person, in Myers-Briggs language I am an INFJ (although I am very close to a T) and in Enneagram speak I am a 5w4. I tend to think in symbols and patterns. I have always felt the most comfortable if I had lots of knowledge about something. Books have been my friends and my arsenal against uncertainty. I have become recently aware of a constant tension between my head and heart as a result of my dependence on knowledge as well as a tendency to try distilling life to make it fit a pattern or theme.
But there are times to stop trying to make things fit and see what pattern unfolds on its own. It just may be my best chance of saving that baby.