when the motive changes but the purpose remains

Five years ago I converted to the Orthodox Church. It was, understandably a monumental shift in my life and my thinking. If someone (which a few friends did) asked my reasoning behind this upheaval I would have said something along the lines of the historically accurate lineage of the church and the incredible allure of the liturgy.

The truth? Much of my conversion was motivated by fear. Fear of being wrong: wrong theology, worship, worldview, self. That being said, I WAS truly drawn in by the enigma of the liturgy, the theology, the indescribable beauty, and the spacious container the church offered to heal, ask questions, and wrestle with hard things.

And a couple of years ago when I started this online space it was really just for myself to record thoughts about my personal journey and affirming as a legitimate path a softer and more introverted approach to life. I was not buying all the constant hype about being an “influencer” or a world-changer.

Fast forward to present day: I am still part of the eastern Orthodox Church. And I still believe in a slow approach to life that prioritizes healing over marketing or coercion. I hope(and think) that my motivations in faith and quiet living are less rooted in fear, and more in the certainty and ambiguity of the Mystery.

I continue to walk one step at a time into the Circle of myself, the center where God and I are one. I ask divine help in setting and adjusting boundaries as needed. I continue with my art practice and following my fascinations to see where they lead. This is Circumference. Moving through life this way takes time, and it can be both frustrating and intensely rewarding.

This is the way I both choose and has been mapped out for me. And so I press forward in hope.

2 thoughts on “when the motive changes but the purpose remains”

  1. What a beautiful and motivating reflection. I use the word “motivating” because I ‘feel’ what you have written and I am moved to reflect on my own choice of the Roman Catholic Church several years ago. For me, I was drawn by the liturgy being so deeply based in Scripture as well as the beauty of the worship. But as I reflect now and that has been happening a lot lately, I know that it was the Holy Spirit leading me to a place where I would be nurtured and where I could contribute as well. Each person has their own journey and my journey is not where the Holy Spirit will lead another. The grace lies in the fact that our paths have crossed and that we can be a light to each other for although our journeys are different, our desire to follow God is what brings us together. Blessings my friend!


  2. Thank you so much for both your example and your friendship. I really appreciate this thoughtful comment on your experience. Love and hugs to you.


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